Swimming pt. 2

As the storm clear

I’m still surrounded by all that I fear

And shores of safety seem no nearer

The waters of sin reflecting me like a mirror

The ghosts of my past floating under the black

Hands reaching trying to pull me back

Chest clenching like a heart attack

I pull myself out

But I find myself thing about

What it would be like if I had taken another route

Honestly if right now was my final bow

I think I’d had have little regrets

But those little regrets do come in sets

And I sometimes I think I got the full collection

And I don’t know if I’d be safe in a resurrection

Or reincarnation

On life’s grand stage I find myself trying to change the station

Reminding me this script was my creation

Honestly day to day

I am more and more okay

With the dice cast

Even if they were my last

Even though I’m low on money

Could say they are D20

When I say it out loud it does sound funny

I know I’m a nerd

Find myself lost in a word

But arent we all lost in a world

Where the seas toss and turn

Question really is… did I learn?

In some ways

But some days I find myself self

In some ways wanting something else

Some days I tool in that mirror

And see a man that I fear

The stain of his pain his choices and his violence

Some day I sit in the silence

And I still hear

The voices of everyone I failed in the past

And in those moments it feels like the pain will always last

(Forever)

Like it will let me go

(Never)

Like an umbilical cord I cant sever

An everlasting tether

Brings me back right where I started

Alone in the dark broken hearted

Mourning the loss of my past departed

In those moments it feels like

The scars I left on them are left on me

It feels like a curse I cast that will never let me free

Feels these demons will never let me be

They cloud my visions so I can’t see

Cloud my decisions so I repeat them again

Dig the steel back into my skin

Do whatever I feel just to be there again

To recapture a place and time

Like bloody hands evidence of my crime

Why do I have to be such fucking slime

That can’t wash off

Deep inside can’t cough it up

So I stop it up and I bury it

Because it’s so heavy I can’t carry it

But I know deep down I’m my only companion

So maybe I should marry it

Let it’s run its course

Tear my self apart before the divorce

Leave my life in tatters

Like nothing matters

Ride my chutes and kick out my ladders

Reach rock bottom

Because issues

I got them

I lose control

So I dig my self a hole

Moths eating at my soul

Continuing like I can not smell my own bullshit

Until I’m caught in it

Like ET in a pit

Until I’m all alone once

Like I was before

I must confess

I give into the excess

And leave my self with even less…

I’m a hurt man

I’m not even my own fan

Maybe I need a pet scan

Because there’s something wrong

When you can’t find your voice any where but a song…

To be honest

I’ve broken many a promise

Taken much more than I’ve needed

I’ve lied and cheated

Used and abused

And I’ve excused all these careless actions

Through careful calculated distractions

Like some how they act as subtractions

To the weight

On my own mental state of late

That’s got me in this this state

Treading dark water I refuse to face

But I will step out onto its surface

Above it I will find my place

Because although I am trivial in time and space

I find my salvation in that quantum expanse

I will join in the celestial dance

I will not let my sins weigh me down

I am the Klown

And I alone will wear my earthly Crown.