Swimming P.1

I try to play it cool

And near the edge of the pool

I take a deep breath as I step out into the insane domain where pain seems to rule…

Emotional scars are hard to hide

The surface heals but scars reside

Marred deep inside

I pile things a lot

Left to brandish so they aren’t forgot

Maybe to banish the thought

That one day I might be  the one forgot

Left alone in the pitch

Shivering alone cold and wet in the ditch

Along the path of life

So I step through hot mess

Ignoring the feelings I can not confess

A mess piled with trauma

A motherless child crying for his momma

In the dead of the night

Unable to sleep a wink without cracking the door to let in the light

Breaking his own heart over again out of spite

Leave them before they leave you

Believe me when I say the cycle makes it true

Like sand through the fingertips can’t hold onto people no matter what you do

Some days it feels climbing out of the coldest circle of hell

Their is no glory to sell

In the story I’m about to tell

When I was young

On one of those days where you want to play in the sun

My buddy dunked me like being baptized

My body reacted like it was being chastised

I tried to call out but I had lost my power of speech

I inhaled and exhaled

But my motor skills failed

It all faded to black

When I got my footing back

I had my first full blown panic attack

I know he was just playing

I guess I need to be saying

Since I was little kid

I’ve had a crippling fear of water over my head

I panic and inhale

Water fills my lungs

I cough on the exhale

Now I oceans have the emotions are drowning me

The anxiety inside of me

says

“you can’t hide from me”

So I skim the waters and fish myself out

Wear myself ragged climbing the tallest hills

And I sit swallow my pills

Through the bullshit and inpatient medical bills

I still smile

I still smile like it’s going out of style

Dragging my old corpse another mile

Through baggage that just seems to pile

I ignore as old wounds be come inflamed

I drag it through the field of the unclaimed

Even though when get the part that I alone

I know in my heart it’ll be my home

I indulge in bliss ignoring the promise of this potters’  grave

(My grave)

From the top of this drop

I stare into the waters abyss,

a slave

And it stares into me reminding me

That I’ll never be free

Circling like wolves to my injury

Always salivating, hungry

But I ignore them at the tree line

Repeating that mantra that I’m just fine

Ignoring the emptiness that lurks beneath

I grit my teeth

Make the right choices the actions and make-believe

But the voices are back when the distractions leave

The darkness is waiting

Eating at with self hating

Jokes flowing out so self deprecating

Trying to drown these demons but they are steady mating

Looking over over your shoulder and counting yours steps

Knowing that if you take breaths

They’ll be dragging down to their murky depths

Even with all of my inner strengths

Their arms have even greater lengths

Even the remedy stings

Therapy pulling back the little things

So their pulling me back like Geppettos boy with the strings

Reminding me that in this fluid kingdom they are the kings

So I sit deposed

And exposed

Exposing my shame

So I extinguish the flame

Paralysis demons waiting in the dark

No matter how many bulbs you spark

The darkness always needs more

And even though I felt so far from the shore

I turn around

It’s high tide

That voice I found says it’s high time

Facing those demons like it’s high noon

And this time I’m facing a typhoon

People say that tranquility saves

That’s not how my stark mind behaves

The same demons always drag me under these dark waves

….