Kinda

That familiar ink stink

As uncap my pen and to it to the pad

Thinking of a all the good times we had

“Dear…”

I look in the mirror

I see the man that you hate the most

Maybe it’s just me the host conjuring your ghost

Now all I am to you is a name in a post

Or the postscript

On the unsent letter

I know how I’m feeling I hoping you are doing better

Kinda figured that maybe at least you’d always be my friend

Kinda figured it would be just you and me in the end

Someday it’s hard to open my eyes and not pretend

Kinda figured that we had it all figured out

But figuring it out is what life is all about

Would you still be here if things had taken another route

Sometimes i see you in my dreams

Just us making plans and plotting schemes

A picket fence and beautiful dog

Sitting on the swing smoking in the morning fog

Sinking lower every day

Realizing I was the only thing that was in my way

I don’t know what to say

Just kinda figured that maybe at least you’d always be my friend

Kinda figured it would be just you and me in the end

Sometimes I stay awake to sun up

Wondering if it will ever come up

Remembering those endless nights

How the fuck did those become endless fights

When I think about whos to blame that’s when when truth bites

That when I’m alone in that night

Wishing we were still tight that everything was still alright

Kinda wishing we were still on the phone all night

Somewhere along the line I lost sight

Even though you were always right

I’m the one who chose not to fight

Now the suns coming up

Now it’s all summing up

Because I’m the one who built the tainted history

Painted my choices in mystery

Used youth as crutch

I played too much

I’m the one who lost touch

But I just kinda figured it

I’d kinda figure it out later

But now is later

And I’ve made everyone a hater

Just

Kinda figured that maybe at least you’d always be my friend

Kinda figured it would be just you and me in the end

Kinda thinking to myself lately

Maybe there’s a reason I hate me

It was good at the start

But I tore through the heart

I pushed us apart

But as grew older

I just grew colder

Convinced myself that I was just a life ruiner

Wish I would’ve gotten sick of myself and my lies sooner

Too many problems i refused to master

Kinda moved through lives like a natural disaster

Kinda

Thinking if I would’ve made better choices

Maybe my soul wouldn’t be haunted by these voices

Screaming from the deep

While I’m dreaming in my sleep

Like the laughter

From the hereafter

All the good times we could’ve spent

I wish you knew how much the good times really meant

But I know you are in a better place

Looking into the eyes of better face

One who’s not obsessed with the chase

That doesn’t give you pauses

With all the hurt he causes

Some days I fear

The end is drawing near

Idk if you’d be the cure

But sometimes I kinda wish you were still here

And when I see you there

My errors and mistakes are laid bare

I see plainly my lack of candor and care

My behavior boarderline psychotic

Obsession with fantasies erotic

I see that in this suspension quixotic